Post by Funkytown on Aug 5, 2019 19:51:55 GMT -6
Why Your Team Sucks 2019: Detroit Lions by Drew Magary
Rest at link: deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2019-detroit-lions-1836829578
Some people are fans of the Detroit Lions. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Detroit Lions. This 2019 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.
Your team: I’m sorry but that is Detroit Lions information. It is privileged. I’m not gonna compromise the work of these players and this coaching staff by divulging said information. It could jeopardize our ability to install game plans and tell you repeatedly that we’re on to Green Bay.
Your 2018 record: 6-10. They beat New England, swept the Packers for the second straight season, and still finished in last place. Nice going, you stretched rectums. That 6-10 record includes Detroit getting their faces caved in by the Jets, who easily overcame Sam Darnold’s first NFL pass turning into a pick-six to rack up a 48-17 win. The Jets said that they knew all of the Lions’ playcalls in that game. Huh. Who was the modern day Bill Callahan who blithely telegraphed all of the Lions’ tendencies?...
Your coach: Ah. Right. It was Matt Patricia, who is roughly as charming as a brain-eating amoeba and precisely half as attractive. It’s a fitting irony that Patricia arrived in Detroit fresh from the Belichick School Of Needless Secrecy and immediately spent his first game as a head coach giving everything away to the opposition. Oh, but he makes a good posture cop though:
Motherfucker, you look like a beanbag chair with barbershop trimmings glued to it. Take a shower before you bitch out other people for lacking any self-respect. I will confess in this space that I thought Patricia would make for a good head coach. He wasn’t LIKE all the other haughty fuckheads strutting out of Foxboro and brandishing their worship for The Belichick Process. He was DIFFERENT. He went to RPI! He does that thing with the pencil! Surely, this man would be thoughtful and self-aware, yes?
NO. No, Patricia came to Detroit and instantly revealed to be an accused rapist (it will stun you, STUN YOU, to learn that Barstool stood by him) who treated every question lobbed his way with complete and utter disdain. Together with GM Bob Quinn, Patricia has implemented an accelerated plan for turning this team into yet another laughingstock pinning its hopes to an abrasive, downmarket Belichick. You can set your watch to these coaches at this point. They brook no dissent. They force players to practice in the snow when they’ve got a month of indoor games coming up on the slate. They make the fucking cafeteria lunch options confidential. They are late. The only time they successfully copy the Pats is when they murder fun.
And they fucking lose. These Lions had just enjoyed three winning seasons in four years under Jim Caldwell. Patricia then came in and ushered them to their shittiest record since 2012. They couldn’t block. They couldn’t stop the run. They STILL can’t defend a Hail Mary. How is this any different from Romeo Crennel’s head coaching exploits? Or Josh McDaniels’s? It’s not. With guys like Patricia, you get two years of failure built solely upon an embellished resume. He is merely the most recent example of a dude whose sweatpants probably smell like eight-day-old cheese getting hired only because he stood in the vicinity of Belichick for a few years. But whatever, I’m glad Football Brett Kavanaugh here is wantonly indulging in the power he’s been granted. This pud’s entire career is based on the fact that putting a pencil behind his ear made him look smart. That pencil and that beard went from being fun and colorful to fusty and fossilized instantly.
The immortal Jim Bob Cooter is no longer your offensive coordinator. He got shitcanned, but not before being forced to assimilate into Patricia’s little paranoia Borg. Your new OC is Darrell Bevell, which is PERFECT for a team whose recent history is positively glowing with spectacular ground game failures. Ah, but D-Bev here has learned from that one time he cost Seattle a championship…
Your team: I’m sorry but that is Detroit Lions information. It is privileged. I’m not gonna compromise the work of these players and this coaching staff by divulging said information. It could jeopardize our ability to install game plans and tell you repeatedly that we’re on to Green Bay.
Your 2018 record: 6-10. They beat New England, swept the Packers for the second straight season, and still finished in last place. Nice going, you stretched rectums. That 6-10 record includes Detroit getting their faces caved in by the Jets, who easily overcame Sam Darnold’s first NFL pass turning into a pick-six to rack up a 48-17 win. The Jets said that they knew all of the Lions’ playcalls in that game. Huh. Who was the modern day Bill Callahan who blithely telegraphed all of the Lions’ tendencies?...
Your coach: Ah. Right. It was Matt Patricia, who is roughly as charming as a brain-eating amoeba and precisely half as attractive. It’s a fitting irony that Patricia arrived in Detroit fresh from the Belichick School Of Needless Secrecy and immediately spent his first game as a head coach giving everything away to the opposition. Oh, but he makes a good posture cop though:
Motherfucker, you look like a beanbag chair with barbershop trimmings glued to it. Take a shower before you bitch out other people for lacking any self-respect. I will confess in this space that I thought Patricia would make for a good head coach. He wasn’t LIKE all the other haughty fuckheads strutting out of Foxboro and brandishing their worship for The Belichick Process. He was DIFFERENT. He went to RPI! He does that thing with the pencil! Surely, this man would be thoughtful and self-aware, yes?
NO. No, Patricia came to Detroit and instantly revealed to be an accused rapist (it will stun you, STUN YOU, to learn that Barstool stood by him) who treated every question lobbed his way with complete and utter disdain. Together with GM Bob Quinn, Patricia has implemented an accelerated plan for turning this team into yet another laughingstock pinning its hopes to an abrasive, downmarket Belichick. You can set your watch to these coaches at this point. They brook no dissent. They force players to practice in the snow when they’ve got a month of indoor games coming up on the slate. They make the fucking cafeteria lunch options confidential. They are late. The only time they successfully copy the Pats is when they murder fun.
And they fucking lose. These Lions had just enjoyed three winning seasons in four years under Jim Caldwell. Patricia then came in and ushered them to their shittiest record since 2012. They couldn’t block. They couldn’t stop the run. They STILL can’t defend a Hail Mary. How is this any different from Romeo Crennel’s head coaching exploits? Or Josh McDaniels’s? It’s not. With guys like Patricia, you get two years of failure built solely upon an embellished resume. He is merely the most recent example of a dude whose sweatpants probably smell like eight-day-old cheese getting hired only because he stood in the vicinity of Belichick for a few years. But whatever, I’m glad Football Brett Kavanaugh here is wantonly indulging in the power he’s been granted. This pud’s entire career is based on the fact that putting a pencil behind his ear made him look smart. That pencil and that beard went from being fun and colorful to fusty and fossilized instantly.
The immortal Jim Bob Cooter is no longer your offensive coordinator. He got shitcanned, but not before being forced to assimilate into Patricia’s little paranoia Borg. Your new OC is Darrell Bevell, which is PERFECT for a team whose recent history is positively glowing with spectacular ground game failures. Ah, but D-Bev here has learned from that one time he cost Seattle a championship…
Rest at link: deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2019-detroit-lions-1836829578
