Post by def on Aug 11, 2019 10:53:15 GMT -6
And so it goes...this is what happens to normal fun loving people when they become lifelong Lions fans.
The Hybrid fake grass on Ford Field is as still as the distant horizon. This is Detroit Football year 89 since the team’s birth and Detroit’s most hardcore fans are partying during week 8 of the 2019 season because they don’t know any better. Tech Lion, the mastermind behind an underground Lions website, who owns 48 Italian Restaurants in the Metro Detroit Area has brought the finest wines, all the way from Rome. Two bottles were even blessed by The Pope and upon hearing this I immediately chugged half the bottle.
“What the fuck you doing def?” Tech asks.
“Hey man, I need all the help I can get. The Blood of Christ can only help at this point! God Bless us all!” I wailed knocking the bottom out of the blessed wine.
With some freak luck half way through the season the Lions are 7-1 in an unprecedented start that has brought everyone out of the woodwork. The place is Tech’s 27 car garage, which is almost as big as old Tiger Stadium and that’s when Snowdog brought his own homegrown Cocaine, from cocoa plants in his outdoor greenhouse. It is the finest medicinal cocaine in all of Detroit, something that he hopes takes off like the medical marijuana business.
You can't make this up. Leave it to Lions fans to do whatever they can to get ahead.
“Free homegrown coke for the die-hards in the D! And I have no, I repeat no illegal immigrants helping me process it, just saying, NO illegal immigrants!” he wails walking in.
"Woah, this just got ratched up another level," Felix utters.
"What the hell is homegrown coke and why aren't you in jail?" Golden says.
"It's a business idea I have. I am trying to get out in front of GOV regulations and rigamarole, but when legal coke becomes a thing, I might buy the Lions," Snow says. "And the Steelers!"
"Sounds about right," I add.
"“When you are a lifelong Lions fan, you need all the medicinal help you can get!” Snow Dog yells wired as hell, his Pittsburgh Steelers hat falling off his head. "And it's free!"
Golden ponders this, then immediately grabs a baggy and snorts it up like a banshee about to go to war.
"Just say no," I say.
"Too late," Felix adds.
"Tonight we bury Bobby Layne once and for all!" The Dane says, then is immediately groped by Rusty.
We hear a helicopter hovering close and step out to see Hunter in his MSU helicopter. He jumps out with a case of Jim Beam and his new wife, Lashanda. They have 12 kids now and Hunter hasn’t stopped drinking since Mike McMahon was cut. His only escape is watching the Lions game, so he’s really enjoying this winning year.
“7-1 and you all thought you’d never see the day!”
Rumor has it that LN started an escort service after his massage parlor got shut down. He is kind of on the down low, because he is being followed by the F.B.I. Some say he moved to Vegas where he can get away with his sort of thing, and just as Capn Crunch says all this, Lion Nation busts in with his two hookers, Cinnamon and White Chocolate.
“Lion Nation the pimp is here and all I need is a cold ass beer,” he barks. The girls immediately flock to Vic, because he has the good smoke. They immediately discuss You Tube Videos…Vic may have found the one after all...
On TV is Jimmy the Greek, no wait, after the booze settles down I realize it’s actually Skip Bayless and he’s talking about how the Lions will be in the Super Bowl this year!
Blog tries to grab my ass and I slap him.
“Dude, you got to respect my safe space,” I reply.
“Sorry,” says blog, who runs off and gets close to Rusty, who enjoys Blog’s attention.
“I’ve been gay all my life,” Rusty says. “No actually to be politically correct, I’m bi-sexual and non-gendered, I am just an entity of genius that can use either bathroom. I'm moving to H-wood, I got an offer to be Kevin Spacey's personal assistant.”
So this is it, every horrid shit known to man has somehow manifested in the die-hard Lions fan who has suffered more than Hillary Clinton’s speech writer. The Die-hard Lions fan has seen more trauma than all the health workers in Haiti and Puerto Rico combined, it has been reported by ESPN, who also predicts the Lions will be in the Super Bowl. But most of us have grown up and have families of our own now…we realize football is just a game, but this is therapeutic for all those years of wretched losing, this is a grieving period for the old Lions and it’s the only way to move forward with growth for our past debauchery while viewing the thousands of Lions losses and all the TV’s, empty booze bottles and Jamaican made voodoo dolls that have perished while trying to reverse the Bobby Layne Curse. The funky air is lifting and it couldn’t have happened fast enough. The bill for reverse the curse shit has gotten exponentially high. Now we are all healing and trying to live our best lives, but today, it’s all about wreaking havoc on our livers and minds.
Texan4Lions arrives, but left his wife and kids at home. It is a smart move at this point, because blaming barry is getting belligerent again. Today, the world is being put on hold and since we are now FINALLY winning, the die-hards are sucking it up and partying like its 1999, yes the Herman Moore, Brett Perriman years.
Moridin and Sanders brought the firearms and after the Lions game we will be shooting Chicago Bear asses, Mini Viqueens and Green Bay Fudge Packer helmets. Sanders also brought the entire Pantera CD collection, even the unreleased shit as a soundtrack to the annihilation of our football enemy’s attire.
Signapore Lion and BC Lions flew half way around the world and BC lion immediately gravitates to Cinnamon, who is LN’s finest asset and she sure attracts attention.
Half way through the first quarter, MB arrives and now it’s a party! He didn’t plan on Michigan roads and it added to his travel time. He has home brew that makes the hair under my armpits curl! I pour some onto the cement of the garage floor and notice it has cleaned all the oil and grease from it immediately. I set the beer down, it’s too risky, then I grab the Jim Beam. Suddenly because he drank two beers before pulling up, MB starts beating the shit out of The Dane and Rusty and knocks them both out with a roundhouse kick to the ribs. Blaming Barry blames MB for spilling his drink, and then bitches about it for an hour. Then, because I can’t take it anymore, before the second quarter we fill a beer bong with Jim Beam and both down half a fifth of 80 proof philosophy in about 3 seconds. After that he slaps my hand and feels better. No more bitching.
Wombat shows up with his family, but this place has gotten out of control, so as with most the other family members, they venture off to the playground Tech rented for just this reason. There are picnic tables and BBQ’s and a huge playground that everyone is enjoying, but in the garage, it’s the fans letting off a lifelong combustion of steam, bad calls, horrid calls, terrible losses and mass confusion about a team we all love.
Badnews and bogartin have a Cheech and Chong movie going on their phones but on Tech’s big screen Stafford just hit Marvin Jones for a 65 yard dime piece. Touchdown!
We do shots…and then it is called back for holding…
We knew it was too good to be true.
Kerryon Johnson has 100 yards at halftime and there is talk that Megatron might return…but the Ford’s have put a curse on him dispelling any football knowledge from his mind…oh those Fords, the voodoo that they do…
Nothing can go up until it comes down and right now, the Lions faithful have been about as down as it gets in terms of football fans all across the planet. Shit, LN has sniffed most of Snowdog’s homemade cocaine already and that was for Andre Ware, the bust that he was. Oh the heart break!
“As long as nobody mentions Joey Harrington, we are good!” Tech declares.
“Didn’t you just mention him?” Golden quips. “Or am I still haunted by Joey nightmares?”
Phalanx pokes his head in, “Did someone say Joey Harrington, what a great human being ruined by a horrible city and a low IQ team.”
“He should have stuck with the piano!” I yell.
It is halftime and the Lions are up 28-10. Could this be the year…?
Stay tuned for the second half…To Be Continued…or not, actually this is kind of dumb, but since I've been doing this kind of crap since the last DECADE, why not put some more dumb crap down...until the Lions win lmao
